Fiction (Short)

She Returns to Kir Kanara

She returns to Kir Kanara, a sword in one hand and a torch in the other. Her body is tired and battered. Her armor dented, bloody. And her eyes—her eyes are cold. She is alone.

It’s been years since she last was here. Years since she rode down from the gates at the head of a battalion of Greystone Knights with orders to find the princeling and put an end to his rebellion with as much violence as was necessary.

How she wishes they hadn’t succeeded.

She returns to Kir Kanara, a weight of years and death on her shoulders, flanked by the ghosts of a hundred dead companions and all the innocents they couldn’t save. Perhaps if she had listened, perhaps if the princeling had thought his words could reach her… but perhaps can’t bring a single soul back from the world hereafter, and it can’t unmake the destruction that has reduced all this once beautiful land to ash and rubble.

She can’t remember when it happened, when the last bit of hope that remained to her finally withered and died. She wishes she did. Hope is too precious a thing to lose with so little fanfare. But lost it is, and it’s left nothing in its wake but this angry, broken woman who realized too late how many lies she had been told.

There is no one left for her to save. No one in need of her protection. She’d looked. For months she’d looked, only to find them too late or not at all. She’s not looking anymore. An expression, complicated with rage and grief, cuts across her face; if it’s innocents she wanted she would not find them here. Not in Kir Kanara.

But she is too late once again, even for her other, bloodier purpose. She doesn’t know what she expected. The whole land is ruined, why should the seat of trouble be any different? It’s justice, of a sort. It should be cathartic to know that those who damned them all brought hellfire down on their own heads as well. Yet all she feels is wicked, rotting disappointment that she wasn’t the one to mete it out.

She returns to Kir Kanara, a sword in one hand and a torch in the other. But there is no one left for her to fight and nothing left for her to burn, and all that drives her vanishes like so much smoke.

She wanders, aimless. Her feet take her through the fallen castle, so long destroyed that weeds grow over its burned out corpse. She thinks of lying down, of letting her story end where it began. It would be easy. It would be, perhaps, what she deserved for believing all the lies, for trusting that this place, this once-beautiful place was all that it said it was, that it held all the ideals it said it did.

That it wasn’t just a wretched facade.

The thought comes to her quiet, so subtle she hardly realizes. Her ideals have not changed. They are bruised, wounded like she is. But they are there, a foundation. And little more than a foundation remains of Kir Kanara.

There are so many reasons it shouldn’t work. If anyone else has survived the destruction, Kir Kanara would be the last place they should trust. If the castle is a symbol, wisdom might argue that it was so corrupt it could not, should not be salvaged. If all was lost then maybe she should just leave, too, and find a way to nurse her wounded ideals back to life.

But she cannot shake the thought.

It takes time for her to realize what it is. Hope. Hope for redemption. For herself. For Kir Kanara. Hope that there’s a way to make the castle what it should have always been. A refuge. A haven.

So she stays at Kir Kanara, a hammer in one hand and hope in the other.

Birthright Armenia, Musings

[Blog] Week Six, Genocide Memorial

BIRTHRIGHTHEADER

I blinked, and it’s halfway through October.

It’s been a fairly quiet week, which has given me a little more time to sit back and think, which I’ve enjoyed. A couple weeks back I mentioned that I was starting to feel at home in Armenia, or at least in Yerevan. That feeling has continued to grow, almost without my noticing, and whatever happens after I finish volunteering, I’m certain that a piece of my heart will always stay here.

There’s a part at the end of The Return of the King where Frodo tells Sam that he “cannot always been torn in two“, and that he must be “one and whole, for many years”. That quote lodged in my head sometime during college as I started trying to figure out how to balance my love for family and friends in my hometown with deep, new friendships. Now, instead of being torn in two I’m being torn in three, and I can only hope that Frodo’s advice was at least somewhat more Sam-specific than broadly general.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that these feelings got stronger the same week that I visited the Armenian Genocide Memorial for the first time. A group of Birthright volunteers gathered there around its eternal flame on Wednesday night and listened as our program’s Country Director read passages from the eyewitness account of a genocide survivor. If asked to describe the experience, the first word to come to mind would be “sobering”, but with that feeling being tempered by an incredible sense of resolve.

Today, Armenians live. Today, Armenia exists. Despite everything that happened, we are here today. With everything good and bad about this tiny country in the South Caucasus, it’s here and it’s independent and it has a future. There’s just a lot of work to do.

Which would explain why I’m feeling a little pulled apart. Because when I go back to the States, I’ll still be Armenian. I’ve always known that, but there’s such a huge difference between knowing a little bit about the language and the culture and the food and actually living and working in Armenia, even if only for a few months. It’s only been six weeks; I’m less than halfway through my trip and I’ve already learned so much.

Right now, I can only guess at what it’s going to look like. And I probably shouldn’t be doing that yet either, since, as I mentioned just above, I’m less than halfway through my trip. I need to live here, in the present.

There are about a thousand other thoughts buzzing around in my head right now, almost all focusing on what it means to be an Armenian-American (and more specifically an Armenian-American writer), but none of them are coherent enough to merit writing down. Mostly because they are less full-fledged thoughts than they are just questions. At a guess, it’s going to be quite some time before I find answers to them that satisfy me.

So, in lieu of further writing, I’ll just share a couple pictures of the city in the country that’s doing a frighteningly good job of stealing my heart.

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View of Mount Ararat from Yerevan

 

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View from near Barekamutyun Station